"Successful marriage requires falling in love many times with the same person"

Contrary to popular opinion, the end goal of separation and divorce is RECONCILIATION, NOT REMARRIAGE

In the Apostle Paul's first letter to the church at Corinth, he wrote:

"To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife." (7:10-11 NIV) Apparently Paul didn't think it was necessary to repeat himself, but if he had, he would have added: "But if he does divorce her, he must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to his wife."

The Bible is quite clear isn't it! If you've left your spouse, you are to remain single or else be reconciled. You might not think you could possibly do that ... and on your own, you probably can't. It's part of the human condition to want to develop new relationships in an effort to repair the damage to your wounded ego but DON'T because that's just a temporary fix. You may gain a little happiness but is it worth losing your peace and possibly your soul and having to deal with even more guilt than you may already have? But, with God's help, what seems impossible becomes possible and the end result is far more happiness and peace than you could ever have by taking your own way!

Summarizing

Take a close look at the “One-Flesh Union” that God creates and you find that man cannot separate what God has joined or, as the Greek puts it, glued together. An advocate of remarriage after divorce or marriage to a divorced person can only add counterfeit unions to the one genuine union God created, thus creating a condition called “adultery”.

Take a close look at that “great mystery” Paul refers to in Ephesians and you find that whatever changes you make to the natural side of the equation (marriage), you also must make to make to the spiritual side as well (salvation)! An advocate of remarriage after divorce or marriage to a divorced person must modify the Gospel to allow another “lord of our life” to coexist with the Lord Jesus Christ, thus creating a condition called “spiritual adultery”!

To think or do otherwise doesn’t come from the rational part of the brain ... it comes from the heart ... and Paul admonishes us to “Be angry and sin not (don’t take our own way with our anger)." It should be obvious that anger is at the root of marital conflict (just as it is in any conflict) ... and anyone who leaves or puts away their spouse AND marries again while their spouse is still living is taking their own way with their anger ... and anyone who encourages or condones that is also taking their own way with their anger. Now that’s the WHY of what we believe when what we believe is contrary to the Bible’s clear teaching.

So, use your separation time wisely to learn these valuable lessons:

1) Every human being does the best they can with the awareness they have and if they had more awareness, they would do better. Now, repeat that over and over until you believe it! While on the cross of Calvary, Jesus said, "Father forgive them for they do not know what they're doing." (Luke 23:34 NLT).

2) For the Christian, the Bible offers some wise advice! In the Apostle Paul's letter to the church at Ephesus, he wrote: "And don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil (4:26 NLT)

3) Recognize your anger and assume responsibility for it, not blaming your spouse for how you feel or what you do. After all, you own your feelings and only you are in control of them! Avoid the common accusation, "You make me so mad!" or "You give me a headache (or pain in the neck, etc.)"!

4) If you have trouble recognizing your anger, take a look at your "stress symptoms" which are always related to unresolved anger. Check out the list of what human beings do when they take their own way with their anger and go to bed angry night after night, week after week, month after month, year after year. The list is found in Ephesians 4:26 to 5:32: stealing; foul or abusive language; grieving the Holy Spirit by the way you live; bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander; all types of malicious behavior; sexual immorality (including marital infidelity and sexual irresponsibility in all its many forms); impurity, greed or covetousness; allowing yourself to be fooled by those who excuse such sins; participation in the things these people do; obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes; drunkenness. I don't think the Apostle Paul left anything out, did he?

5) We need to keep "short accounts"... no more than a day long ... certainly before sunset! Don't put it off - it'll just prolong the agony.

6) Understand that what your spouse says or does that bothers you would probably bother anyone; your task is to learn why it bothers you so much! (Hint: Ask yourself who your spouse reminds you of emotionally: father, mother, brother, sister, close relative, close friend during your growing up years, etc. Something they said or did made you feel a certain way back then, and now, when your spouse says or does something that emotionally reminds you of those feelings, it acts like a trigger and off you go into however you handle your anger. The secret is to go make peace with that person, if at all possible, and go make peace with your spouse. You make peace by apologizing for your part in the conflict and unconditionally forgiving them for what you perceive their part to be.)

7) Understand that any negative reaction on the part of the one you are apologizing to or forgiving must not keep you from doing the right thing. If you can't feel good about their reaction (i.e. rejection of your attempt to reconcile), at least feel good about your own (i.e. acceptance of their feelings and forgiveness)!

8) Stop talking to other people about your "challenged spouse" as if you didn't have any challenges of your own. It does no good to talk about anyone else unless they (or someone) is there to keep you honest! Also, what guarantee do you have that others can counsel you wisely? It would be better to spend your time in Bible study and prayer and seek your counsel from the God of Heaven who knows all about your situation and can lead you in the path of righteousness ... if you're willing.

9) Finally, whatever you do, remember that the LORD God joined you and your spouse together in a bond no man can break (but only add to ... definitely something you don't want to do!). Thus, if you take your own way and enter into a counterfeit or non-genuine "one-flesh union", you are committing "adultery" and there's a price to be paid for that, not to mention the negative example and confusion it brings to your children. Statistically, first marriages have much less than a 50% success rate (remember, you have to count the failure rate of "living together" relationships as well). Second marriages have much less chance of success than first, and third marriages much less chance of success than second, and so on. Also, the effect of divorce and remarriage on children is, generally speaking, negative with serious consequences.

 

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