Chapter 10. Recognizing Fear

Let's take a look at some of the things that can occur at the emotional level that can arouse feelings of fear.

Fear does not exist "somewhere out there" but rather right between our ears! In fact, that's the only place fear can exist!

Of all our fears, the fear of rejection appears to be our most common and our greatest fear. In reality however, our greatest fear is what in the world to do with our anger over the rejection.

Seldom though are we aware of this fear. We simply experience being uptight, anxious, upset, or feel the pain or discomfort of a physical "fear" reaction. Let's see how this fear works:

Client: "I'm really up tight today. Really afraid."

Counselor: "Afraid of?"

Client: "I don't know. Just afraid."

Counselor: "Alright, I know you may not know but what do you think?"

Client: "I just don't know".

Counselor: "Tell me about the last 24 hours."

Client: "Well, nothing much happened except my husband told me he might get transferred."

Counselor: "Feelings about that?"

Client: "I'd miss my friends and family."

Counselor: "Really sad over the loss and separation?"

Client: "Yeah! It doesn't seem to be bothering my husband though. He seems to want to go."

Counselor: "Feelings toward husband?"

Client: "I don't know. All I know is I'm really anxious and up tight over something!"

Counselor: "What would you like to tell your husband right now?"

Client: "I guess that I don't want to go."

Counselor: "What kinds of feelings would you like to share with your husband right now but you're afraid to?"

Client: "That I'm really sad over leaving my friends and family ... and really mad at him for wanting to leave and take me away from them!"

Counselor: "And have you expressed these feelings?"

Client: "No, he wouldn't understand ... I guess what I'm really afraid of is his rejection of my feelings."

Counselor: " Then who does he remind you of emotionally?"

Client: "That's my folks all over again! I was always afraid they wouldn't understand or accept my feelings either so I just stuffed them. Come to think about it, I'd get real uptight around them just like I am now. Really afraid of their rejection."

Counselor: "Feelings when you perceive yourself as rejected?"

Client: "Angry!"

Counselor: "And what do you do with your anger?"

Client: "I get it. I'm angry but I don't know what to do with my anger so all I feel is the fear. I'm afraid to express my real feelings because I'm afraid they'd get rejected and that'd really make me mad! What do you think I should do?"

Counselor: "You've already got the answer!"

Client: "You mean tell him how I feel?"

Counselor: "Good for you!"

Client: "But what if he doesn't accept my feelings?"

Counselor: "Since when is your happiness dependent on his acceptance?"

Client: "Yeah, I know! I can feel happy over expressing my feelings the right way and if he accepts them, great, but if he doesn't, I can be angry over that but happy I expressed them and got them off my chest. I feel a lot better now! Thanks!"

In the example above the client's fears were simply cover ups for her anger which she didn't recognize or accept.

It's so much easier to be aware of the fear of rejection or the sadness over the loss and separation from the one we want to be close to than the anger toward the one involved. Fear of, sadness over and anger toward is the way feelings go; and always,

Those we are fearful of we feel angry toward!

It's so important to be aware of the anger as well as the fear! Here are the steps to handle the feelings of fear and anger:

Recognize the fear and accept it as a normal human emotion!

Be aware of who you're afraid of and why you're afraid.

Be aware that those you are fearful of you will feel angry toward and accept your anger as a normal human emotion.

Resolve the anger by expressing it the right way to the one you're fearful of!

Whatever your fear or whatever your phobia, you can be free of it by coming to grips with your anger! To see or not to see, that is the question. If you choose not to see, then you have chosen to enjoy your fear more than the alternative of honesty! Is that really what you want?

 

Next: Recognizing Sadness

 

Next: Recognizing Sadness

 

Stress Reduction Through Honesty in Communication by John Twelker, Copyright 1986, John Twelker Enterprises, Inc.