Chapter 12. Helping Others See Their Feelings

After you have provided an environment of encouragement, understanding and acceptance, expressed your own feelings honestly and in the right way, and accepted in advance the feelings of the person you are trying to help, there's only one more thing you can do to help them recognize their feelings:

You can be patient! Time and patience can often do what you can't!

There are simply no shortcuts! You may recall your own emotional growth and your own resistance to emotional honesty! You may remember how much you appreciated and still appreciate the patience of those around you!

After honesty and acceptance, the greatest gift you have to offer is your patience!

Meanwhile, continue to provide the proper atmosphere for growth and the proper way of handling feelings yourself.

Don't Lose Your Cool!

Sometimes the person you're trying to help will seem to "turn on you" and become very angry and upset with you. You may begin to take their anger personally. Please don't! What they are doing is simply testing you to see if you'll reject their feelings and thus them. Remember, they're not upset or angry with you as a person, only what you're doing or saying, or not doing or not saying!

They may be angry because of your honesty, and only then because it reminds them of a Primary who may have been honest with them but did not accept their feelings!

They may be angry because you accept their anger which at that point is probably the last thing in the world they want to be made aware of! Your acceptance confirms their anger's existence. If their acceptance level is low or nonexistent, the last thing they want is your acceptance but remember, it's the first thing they need!

They may be angry because they anticipate your rejection of their feelings. At that point, their anticipation is fantasy but nevertheless true for them! The fantasy creates "feeling reactions" identical to those based on reality.

Whatever the reasons for their anger, it's usually only a test and your challenge is to allow yourself to be tested without "losing your cool". Continue to:

Provide an atmosphere of encouragement, understanding and acceptance.

Express your feelings the right way.

Be accepting of their feelings.

Be aware of your anger over being tested and your happiness over handling each test appropriately.

Recognize, accept and resolve each feeling so that you're free to develop more awareness and help others become more aware as well.

If you make a mistake, simply apologize and keep on going. Nobody expects you to be perfect! Mistakes provide opportunities for learning while proving to others that you're still human! Our challenge is to be honest enough with ourselves to admit our mistakes, to learn from our errors, and to keep on keeping on.

Next: Step 2 - Acceptance or Rejection of Feelings

 

Stress Reduction Through Honesty in Communication by John Twelker, Copyright 1986, John Twelker Enterprises, Inc.