Chapter 21. Guidelines for Combining Stress Options A and B: Express Feelings and Accept Feelings the Right Way

You don't have to do Stress Options A and B separately. They can be combined as an effective way to reduce your stress levels while helping others reduce theirs. There are nine steps to the expressing/accepting combination.

Step 1. Be accepting verbally.

Step 2. Commit your feelings.

Step 3. Assure of your love and appreciation.

Step 4. Assume responsibility for your feelings.

Step 5. "Take off the hook".

Step 6. Commit your thoughts and feelings as to what you'd like.

Step 7. Reassure of your love or appreciation.

Step 8. Give time for response.

Step 9. Be aware of response.

Here are examples of how to be accepting of feelings verbally:

"I get the impression you're upset."

"If I've done something that's bugging you, I'd really appreciate your telling me. If it's something else that's bugging you, I'd appreciate knowing that too."

Here are examples of how to commit feelings:

"The reason I'm asking you to do this is because I've got a problem right now. I'm angry over the way I perceive you to feel toward me."

"I've got a problem right now. It isn't your fault. I'm taking everything personally right now and it's really bugging me."

Here's an example of assuring of your love and appreciation:

"I love (appreciate) you. I don't want any barriers between us."

Here's an example of assuming responsibility for your feelings:

"It isn't your fault I'm taking everything personally right now. It's my problem I know."

Here's an example of taking the other person "off the hook":

"When I perceive you being upset with me and not doing anything about it, it reminds me a lot of my folks. They'd go around being upset with each other and I wouldn't know if they were upset with me. I didn't know how to handle it then and I'm having trouble handling it now."

Here's an example of committing your feelings and thoughts as to what you'd like:

"I'd be happy if you would only understand and accept my feelings. I'm not asking you to change. Just understand and accept."

Here are examples of how to reassure of your love and appreciation:

"I really love (appreciate) you!"

"I really care and I am concerned."

Here are examples of how to give time to respond:

"When you're ready, I'll be ready to listen."

"If you're not ready now, that's O. K. Maybe later on!"

When you become aware of the response, watch and listen for:

Understanding and acceptance, or

Denial and rejection.

Ideally, when someone close to you is upset, we'll not take it personally. We'll remain at ease and give the other person time to work things out. If however, we do begin to take their anger personally, then we become under stress and it's time to exercise Stress Option A or B or a combination of the two. While all three will work, the Stress Option of choice is the combination of A and B as it relieves your stress levels while setting up an atmosphere of understanding and acceptance that makes it easier for the other person to share what's bothering them. Remember though, it's the right of every individual to handle stress as they choose and if they choose to remain stressed out, that's their choice! Your challenge is to handle your feelings appropriately and not to make their difficulty yours!

Remember, expression and acceptance of feelings uses a minimum of words! If you find yourself talking excessively and defending yourself, chances are you're not expressing the right way and you're rejecting! Acceptance doesn't convince the Expressor of itself and doesn't defend itself! Your sincerity, warmth and honesty and your few words of expression and acceptance will mean more than paragraphs of empty words.

Next: Guidelines for Stress Option C