Chapter 24. Seeing Yourself in Guidelines C and D?

You may have seen yourself in the last two guidelines, and you might be regretting the mistakes you've made. You might even be aware of being angry toward yourself.

It's O. K. to be angry with yourself but remember, you're always Number Two in line! Who's Number One?

Chances are it's me for helping make you aware of the ways in which you have erred in the past. It's O. K. to be upset with me for that! I probably remind you of a reprimanding parent pointing our your faults. I accept your anger! Please know that I think you've done the very best you could with the awareness you have. If you could have done any better, you would have! After all, you've simply done what you've been taught and nobody living ever had perfect parents! Now, take the anger you feel toward me and yourself and use it to make some changes in the ways you've handled situations in the past. Remember, that anger you feel is alright and can be used in positive and constructive ways!

Taking Others "Off the Hook"

Just in case you don't know exactly what "off the hook" means, let me explain. When you're upset with someone and you express your anger in the wrong way, it's like taking that person by the collar, lifting them up onto a large hook on the wall where they're helpless and then letting them have it! While on the hook, you nail them for who they are rather than what they did or said; you blame them for how you feel; and you make them responsible for your painful stress symptoms. You can't feel very good about this kind of behavior can you? There is a better way!

Taking a Primary "off the hook" involves:

Reminding them that we think they've done the very best they could with the awareness they had.

Taking a Secondary "off the hook" involves:

Reminding them that we think they've done the very best they could with the awareness they had, and

Relating what they said or did that we have feelings about to our Primarys.

Notice that in taking a Primary "off the hook" you skip the relating step. Obviously, a Primary can't remind you of themselves so instead you take them "off the hook" by reminding them that you know they did the very best they knew how to do and that if you'd been in their shoes, you'd probably have done the same! You might have difficulty believing that especially if your parents were abusive or expressed their feelings in especially inappropriate ways. If that's the case, then your challenge is to learn to believe it!

Remember, the rule is that we all have done the best we can with the awareness we have. If we don't have much awareness, we don't do very well. If we have more awareness, we do better!

Thus, you can honesty say that your parents did the best they could with the awareness they had. Yes, it's too bad they didn't have more awareness and you can be angry toward them because they didn't!

Next: Stress Option A or Stress Option B?