Chapter 26. Going With the Flow

If you're upset with someone and you express your feelings the right way - but your Receptor rejects your feelings, you may feel inclined to go back and repeat yourself as if they didn't hear you the first time. Usually a free-for-all follows and you find yourself choosing Stress Options C or D!

It's really important to "go with the flow" and when rejected, under no circumstance return to the originally expressed feelings! That's water under the bridge and you can't get that water to flow back upstream to go under the bridge again!

So, go with the flow! Keep current! The Expressor's response must always be to the Receptor's current reaction to the previously expressed feelings!

It's Really Difficult to Always Relate

Often the question is asked, "Must what a Secondary does or says always remind me of my Primarys?" The answer is yes! However, relating to your Primarys is sometimes difficult.

Look at it this way. Your parents can be "Good Dad" or "Good Mom": accepting, applauding, approving, appreciative and affectionate. That's a lot of good "A"s there! Or, they can be "Bad Dad" or "Bad Mom": unaccepting, unapplauding, unapproving, unappreciative and unaffectionate. That's a lot of bad "UN"s there!

When a Secondary does or says something that reminds you emotionally of "Good Dad" or "Good Mom", you're happy and you like that person. That's the basis for friendship. But, when the Secondary does or says something that reminds you emotionally of "Bad Dad" or "Bad Mom", you become angry and you don't like that person.

If there is no resolution of feelings, then your friendship or marriage is in danger of breaking up, emotionally first, then physically.

Sometimes relating Secondarys to Primarys seems very difficult if not totally impossible. At that point you need to ask yourself, "What is the other person saying or doing (or not saying or not doing) that's bugging me?" If your answer simply isn't anything your Primarys ever did, then ask the next question: "Is that their way of handling and expressing their anger?" Usually the answer to that question is "Yes!" Then ask yourself the next question: "Is my secondary's way of handling their anger reminding me emotionally of my Primary's way of handling theirs? The answer is usually "Yes!". At that point the relating has been accomplished.

Occasionally your anger level prevents relating. Yet the other person must be let "off the hook". If this is the case, simply tell your Receptor that you're having difficulty relating what's going on to your Primarys but you know it's not them as a person you're upset with but simply what they're doing or saying. Many times, in the process of being honest with your feelings, your anger level drops to the point where relating is possible and it becomes clear who it is you're really upset with.

Next: Making Peace With Your Primarys