Chapter 27. Making Peace With Your Primarys

By now you're aware that I advocate making peace with your Primarys. The question is often asked, "Do I express feelings about things that happen now or things that happened in the past? Also, "Do I have to remember everything that I was angry about and express it all in order to reduce my stress levels?

Picture yourself standing on a bridge over a river. You're looking down into the water. You wonder what the water was like yesterday, or a year ago, or ten years ago, or maybe fifty years ago. A wise man on the bridge tells you it's all the same! But you decide to find out for yourself so you run downstream along the river bank until you reach the point where yesterday's water is. You look into the water and it looks just about the same as today's water did. You run down the river bank some more until you reach last year's water and it looks just about the same as yesterday's water except it isn't quite as clear. You run some more and when you reach the water that passed under the bridge ten years ago, you see it's just about the same except it's getting muddy and it's difficult to see the river bottom. When you finally get to the water that passed under the bridge fifty years ago, you realize it's water too, just like today's water, but it's really muddy and it's impossible to see the river bottom. Maybe the wise man was right after all!

When it comes to expressing feelings toward your Primarys, think of this story! You see, what your Primarys do today that bugs you is basically the same things they did yesterday and a year ago and ten years ago and fifty years ago! People just don't change that much do they? So, why go to all the work of dredging up the past when you can simply keep current and deal with things as they happen? Besides, the more recent the incident, the clearer it is in your mind anyway! Besides, you wouldn't appreciate someone dredging up all their past angry feelings toward you, would you? Wouldn't you rather they keep current?

Sometimes things happen in the past (i.e. abuse of one kind or another) that are so anxiety arousing that they become permanently imprinted upon your mind. It's best to express and resolve those feelings! Take care of anything that comes to mind but don't work at dredging up the past. It simply isn't necessary.

One challenge of dredging up the past is the possibility that your present unresolved anger combined with your unforgiving spirit may actually rewrite history, at least in your mind! For this reason I have serious reservations about the validity of using hypnosis to determine past events.

It's really scary to be honest with your feelings toward your Primarys. But you can do it! The next time you're around them, simply wait for them to say or do something that bugs you. Then, take the one you're upset with, go to a quiet place, take a deep breath, and start talking! Regardless of their response, be aware of your happiness toward yourself for being and doing right. But remember, you must express feelings the right way and accept feelings for this to work. You can't feel good about expressing feelings the wrong way and rejecting feelings, can you?

Next: Keeping Short Accounts