Chapter 29. Words of Caution

If there is no expression of feelings in the right way or expression of acceptance of feelings, you automatically return to Step 1 and retry or default to the Starting Point. Be aware of the importance of accepting and then expressing!

When you are sharing feelings, make sure your expression of feelings are just that! It's so easy to begin expressing thoughts! Feelings always have to do with happiness, anger, sadness and fear. Thoughts always have to do with facts, opinions, or attitudes. Expressing your thoughts when under stress will relieve stress a little but expressing feelings in the right way can totally relieve stress.

Be aware of the need to express even the "unspeakable feelings". Some angry feelings for example, are "fairly easy" to share, others "more difficult", yet others "almost impossible". Some angry feelings are shared with just a "little emotion", some with "watery eyes" and some with "many tears".

If you block expressing your "almost impossible" and "many tears" kind of angry feelings, the effect is to discount those kinds of feelings in your dialogue partner (your son or daughter, parent, spouse or friend).

However, if you perceive your feelings to be the "superhuman" kind, then they will probably require a "superhuman being" to accept them and there aren't too many of those around! Sometimes those kinds of feelings are best shared only with God who already knows our hearts and who understands and cares.

Also, be aware that If you are accepting of deep feelings but avoid expressing them yourself, you communicate your personal rejection of your own deep feelings and thus your acceptance of your dialogue partner's feelings can be doubted and questioned. Remember,

There is a balance between expressing and accepting. It's important to express the same kinds of feelings you have learned to accept so that your acceptance can be trusted. It's a wonderful thing to accept, accept and accept but your expression of feelings will give validity to your acceptance! If you're on the verge of getting in touch with those feelings and suddenly lose them, the difficulty lies in the area of acceptance. Unaccepted feelings are difficult if not almost impossible to express! Go back and work on accepting your own feelings!

Make sure the one you're helping is really expressing feelings also. If they persist in expressing thoughts, gently remind them by asking, "Feelings right now?" Remember though, every time you ask a question you'll be putting them on the spot and they will feel angry toward you! Be prepared to accept their anger and to encourage its expression!

Be aware of the possibility of "misdirecting" your expression of anger. Remember, anger felt toward Secondarys is always related to Primarys. Also, unresolved anger toward Primarys always results in conflict with Secondarys. Thus, if you're upset with your spouse, son or daughter, or friend, you are in reality upset with one of your Primarys and you're making your Secondary a scapegoat which is totally unfair to your Secondary! Remember though, you do the best you can with the awareness you have and having learned your lessons well while growing up, you're simply doing what you saw done to you. Your challenge, and it's an important one, is to make peace with your Primarys so that your relationships with Secondarys can be rewarding and happy. The danger is that your scapegoat Secondarys (i.e. your children) won't be able to handle your misdirected anger and develop serious Class 3 and Class 4 Stress Symptoms, and later, make their own spouse and children scapegoats as well. It's time to break the vicious cycle and help those close to you break theirs as well.

Be aware of the acceptance-expression balance. If you overdo either Stress Option A or B, work on achieving the proper balance. You can help your dialogue partner by demonstrating that balance yourself. Remember,

A picture is worth a thousand words and your example is worth a thousand instructions!

Finally, be on the lookout for those times you fall back into using Stress Options C - Expressing Feelings the Wrong Way and D - Rejecting Feelings! Hopefully, you'll catch yourself early on and can take immediate steps to mend the damage done.

Next: Step 4 - Rejection or Acceptance of Feelings