Chapter 33. Guilt

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Have you reached a verdict?"

"Your honor, we find the defendant GUILTY on all counts".

In this case, the "jury" was my wife and me and the "defendant" was our French Poodle who, just after our first child was born, seemed to have real difficulties knowing when she did something wrong and who seemed unable to learn from her mistakes. I've been assured that not all French Poodles are like that! We ended up having to find her a new home. Later on, we had a wonderful German Shepherd who always knew when she did something wrong and tried hard to learn and to please. I've also been assured that not all German Shepherds are like that! It's just the way it happened to be in our home.

But what is there about human beings that makes it so difficult to acknowledge their mistakes? Suppose it has anything to do with "feeling guilty"?

We could probably dissect guilt into many forms but let's keep this simple. Let's talk about "healthy or genuine guilt" which can help keep us from violating our own values; and about "false or irrational guilt" which can distress us when in fact we've thought or said or done nothing wrong.

For many people, the words "I'm sorry. Please forgive me", combined with a sincere effort to avoid that behavior again, seems sufficient to deal with their healthy feelings of guilt. These people forgive themselves and get on with life.

Some people however seem challenged by their inability to forgive themselves when they err and their inclination to feel guilty over thinking, saying or doing things that in reality aren't wrong or for situations they are not responsible for.

In my opinion, "false or irrational guilt" has it's basis in unaccepted, unexpressed and unresolved anger which can go from the emotional center of the brain to the intellectual center and change the way a person thinks. These negative thoughts are very stressful on the body and if allowed to continue may lead to any number of serious stress symptoms and they won't be "fun" or "rewarding"! Remember,

Negative thoughts are self destructive and thus are inappropriate expressions of your anger.

One of the most negative thoughts of all can be GUILT (like feeling guilty when you think or say or do something right --- or continuing to harbor guilt after you've confessed and repented from a wrong thought, word or deed) .

Guilt really isn't a pure thought nor a pure feeling but acts more like a combination of the two.

I've heard it said and read in books, "Do anything you feel like doing (as long as it doesn't harm yourself or another person) just don't feel guilty". That could be deadly advice if the person you give it to is unable to be totally honest about what is harmful to themselves or others!

The emotional energy required to deny or repress guilt can be tremendous and this can lead to serious and harmful side effects, like Class 3 and Class 4 Stress Symptoms.

Healthy or genuine guilt isn't "bad"; it has a purpose. It's best to recognize that purpose and deal with the guilt on that level. However:

If you continually feel guilty over a thought or word or act, then make sure you've done what you can to apologize and make things right.

Having done that, if you continue to be plagued with guilt, then find the anger that generates the obsessive negative thinking and deal with the anger! (Hint! Take a look at unresolved feelings toward Primarys!)

Unhealthy or irrational guilt is "bad" but is not the real "problem", but rather only a "symptom". The real challenge is the age-old question of what in the world to do with our anger!

If you continue to have trouble with guilt, you haven't dealt completely with the anger. Look for the anger and deal with it!

Final Words

When you accept yourself and your feelings, and deal with guilt by resolving the feelings and reconciling with those you've offended, then your thoughts toward yourself and others turn positive and the stress on your body is lessened, even when others choose to be rejecting. You see others as doing the best they can with the awareness they have. You accept your anger over their limited awareness! You don't take their anger personally. You don't make their problem yours. At the same time you are appreciative of and happy for your growth that has allowed you the freedom to accept yourself and them and not make their acceptance of you a condition for your happiness! Welcome to the world of emotional maturity and emotional wisdom!

Just think! It all started with:

Choosing Stress Option A or B when under stress

Knowing it's that right thing to do, and

Experiencing the happiness that comes from being and doing right!

Next: Rejection or Acceptance of Feelings From Without (Can They Take It?)