Affection/Acceptance Barrier

Chapter 36. Recognize, Accept, Express, Accept and Be Accepted, Then Block

This final barrier presents absolutely no difficulty to some, who after expressing feelings and experiencing acceptance, immediately feel happy and rush to the warmth and affection of a handshake or hug. Generally, these people feel comfortable with affection and usually had some good experiences with affection growing up.

For others however, the Affection/Acceptance Barrier presents an almost impassable obstacle. They want to move toward affection but an invisible wall blocks their way. At that point, it may be difficult for them to even talk about what's going on. All they know is they're in an awkward situation and they're powerless to do anything about it. They fear rejection of their happiness and disapproval of their desire for affection. Having been emotionally burned in childhood, they fear being burned again. If they don't get a handle on their feelings and soon, they will default to the Starting Point and remain stressed out.

"Why Can't I Just Skip the Affection Part?"

Often the question is asked and you may be asking it now: "Can't I skip the affection part and just recognize, accept and express my feelings? If I can accept what I've just expressed and have my feelings accepted, isn't that enough? Why do I have to get affection?" As a human being with the right of choice, you can choose to skip this last step of exchanging affection but in the process you will default back to the Starting Point! Is that really what you want to do?

There are a number of reasons you would like to break through the Affection/Acceptance Barrier:

Affection gives your happiness an opportunity to be expressed. Remember, it's stressful to hold feelings in!

Affection gives the other person an opportunity to express their happiness. Remember, it's also stressful for them to hold their feelings in!

Affection gives you a reward for expressing your feelings the right way. The receiving of a warm handshake or hug is a great reward!

Affection gives the other person a reward for being understanding and accepting. The giving of your warmth and affection is really a great reward for them!

Affection lays at rest any fears you might have of your feelings and need for affection being rejected. Fantasizing rejection, remember, is more difficult to live with then whatever the reality happens to be!

Last but not least, affection has great healing power for all who come under its relaxed, warm touch.

The key words for affection are relaxed and warm. However, affection sometimes appears to be anything but relaxed and warm!

Ever been given or have you given the "Grunting Bear" or "Body Lift" hug which seem capable of breaking the average persons back?

Ever been given or have you given the "Burp the Baby" or "One Second" hug common among young people?

Ever been given or have you given the "Cold Hand" or "Limp Hand" or "Break Your Hand" or the "One Second" handshake?

These examples are not the kinds of hugs and handshakes I'm advocating here. What I'm thinking about are the honest, meaningful expressions of happiness and appreciation which is always relaxed and warm and healing.

If you choose to skip the affection step, you'll deprive yourself of the privilege of expressing your happiness and you'll remain fearful that your feelings really weren't accepted after all. As a result, your stress levels will increase and you will have gained little for your effort in recognizing, accepting and expressing your feelings.

"What's Holding Me Back?"

After you've expressed your feelings appropriately and perceived acceptance, you would naturally like to express your happiness through affection. Yet, something seems to be holding you back. That something is fear!

Fear that your handshake or hug will be rejected, or that you'll be pushed away.

Fear that the other person will be cold, clammy, limp, or tense, thus proving they're so upset with you that they couldn't possibly accept the angry feelings you expressed or your happiness and desire for closeness.

Fear that the other person will think you're "weird" or "dumb" and reject your desire for affection.

Fear that you'll become sexually aroused and be embarrassed because of it (if that's your fear, or that happens, find your anger and deal with it!).

The common underlying fear in the above list is the fear of being rejected! If the fear of rejection and the resulting anger toward the one perceived as rejecting can keep you from breaking through the barrier, then the assurance of acceptance and the resulting happiness toward the one perceived as accepting can help you break through the barrier.

You may recall that breaking the Recognition/Acceptance Barrier requires honesty and acceptance. Breaking the Expression/Acceptance Barrier also requires honesty and acceptance, just more of them. Breaking the Affection/Acceptance Barrier also requires honesty and acceptance, but maximum amounts of them. That's why the Affection/Acceptance Barrier is the most difficult to get through for so many people.

Next: Getting Through the Affection/Acceptance Barrier