Affection/Acceptance Barrier

Chapter 37. Getting Through the Affection/Acceptance Barrier

Remember, the Affection/Acceptance Barrier exists because of your inability to be honest with yourself and to accept your feelings of happiness and resulting desire for affection. That which you cannot accept you cannot recognize , express or follow through on. Be aware that there are three ways to break through the Affection/Acceptance Barrier.

The fastest and easiest way is to simply take a deep breath, move toward the person you feel happy toward and want to be close to, and offer your hand or a hug.

The slower and more difficult way is to increase your acceptance levels to the point where you are able to express your happiness by being close.

The most difficult way of all is to become aware that the existence of your Affection/Acceptance Barriers are necessary for you to express your anger inappropriately. In other words, holding back is your way to handle anger passively!

Back on the Freeway to Success

The fastest and easiest way through the Affection/Acceptance Barrier is simply to confront the person you have expressed feelings toward and perceived acceptance from, take a deep breath and offer your hand or give them a hug! In other words, just do it and let your feelings follow! Your fear will diminish as you perceive acceptance of your happiness and need for affection. You'll be so happy with yourself for breaking through the barrier and making the move! You may even wonder why you waited so long!

Back on the Secondary Roads to Success

The slower and more difficult way through the Affection/Acceptance Barrier is to increase your acceptance level to the point where you are able to get affection and be close. This isn't easy but it is possible and you can do it!

Start by increasing your "intellectual acceptance". Tell yourself, "I was created with feelings and a need for affection. My feelings and desire for closeness are there for a purpose and they're alright! My challenge is to express them the right way! I felt happy toward myself for expressing my anger appropriately. I felt happy toward the other person for understanding and accepting my feelings. Now I would like affection and it's alright!" Really know these facts and believe them to be true for you!

Then begin taking steps to increase your emotional acceptance level. This kind of acceptance comes from actual experiences in having your feelings and your need for affection accepted! Remember, you cannot have something that has never been given and you can't give something you don't have! so, go to your dialogue partner or best friend and begin sharing!

First, share some "safe" feelings with them. By "safe" I mean the kinds of feelings you might have about stress situations and stressors in your life. Look for their understanding. Conclude your sharing by expressing appreciation and offering your hand. Give a sincere, firm handshake.

The next time, when you are comfortable with the thought, move into the realm of expressing happy feelings toward them. share your happiness over their friendship, love and concern. Once again, look for their understanding and acceptance. Conclude your sharing by expressing your appreciation and offering your hand. Give a sincere, firm handshake while putting your hand on their shoulder, or, if you think you're ready, give them a hug.

Finally, when you're ready, express some of the "scary" angry feelings toward them making sure you express them the right way which will help them be accepting. Again. look for their understanding and acceptance. Conclude by expressing your appreciation and giving them a big hug.

These steps can be taken over a short or a long period of time. The important thing is you start taking steps to be comfortable with affection. Hopefully, your dialogue partner or best friend will be understanding, trusting and accepting and will be willing to be involved in your self help project. If your best friend is not willing or able to be understanding and accepting of your feelings or your need for affection, you might try looking for another best friend. With a rejecting friend like that around, who needs enemies?

Back on the Obstacle Course to Success

Sometimes a person just can't take a deep breath and start being affectionate! Sometimes they can't seem to ever increase their acceptance levels to the point where they can express their happiness by being close. Sometimes their path to success looks like an obstacle course littered with Group 4 stress symptoms. Progress toward honesty appears impossible. Their pain and discomfort seem to block their awareness that their Affection/Acceptance Barriers are needed to express their anger inappropriately.

It would seem, to listen to them, that fear, not anger, is involved in creating their Affection/Acceptance Barrier. We might hear thoughts like these: "What would happen if I allowed myself to be close or told them what I wanted to do?" or "What would I do if they got mad at me or thought I was weird?" or "I don't think I could handle it if I were rejected!" or "Regardless of what you may think, I don't need affection!" Each of these thoughts implies the existence of fear and specifically, the fear of rejection.

Remember though, where there's fear, there's also anger! A person who is afraid of rejection will be angry toward the rejector! They will be angry enough to feel like doing what?

Some people are angry enough to withdraw and never be close.

Some are angry enough to give the "silent treatment" and the "cold shoulder" and thus put the other person in solitary confinement as a form of punishment.

Some are angry enough to not reward themselves or others with affection.

All are angry enough to leave the Affection/Acceptance Barrier intact and instead default to the Starting Point.

Hopefully, you'll not find yourself using the Affection/Acceptance Barrier to express your anger! But if you do, please know that you can still make it through your self-imposed obstacle course to success. It's the most difficult way of all to break through the barrier but it is possible. Somehow you'll have to become aware of your resistance to change, your extremely high anger level, and your inappropriate use of the barrier to express your anger. If you're reading these articles, you've got what it takes to make changes, so go for it!

Which Route You Going to Take?

You have three routes to choose from: the freeway, the secondary routes, or the obstacle course. You'll either take a deep breath and get affection (the fastest way), or you'll increase your acceptance levels until you are able to be close (you can still get there!), or you'll become aware of how you use the barrier to express your anger inappropriately and take steps to reduce your anger level and be close to the one who understands and accepted your feelings (Good Luck!) The choice is up to you!

Next: Step 5 Affection