Step 5 Exchanging Affection

Chapter 38. The Risk is the Possibility of Rejection; the Reward is the Possibility of Happiness

It's true. The human being is happier giving than receiving. And one of the greatest gifts a person can possibly give is their own warmth and affection! Regretfully, it's not always easy to give the gift of affection and the fear of rejection and accompanying anger can be devastating to a relationship. Here are two scenarios:

Scenario 1: "The Happiness of Affection"

Expressor: "I was upset and angry. I accepted my feelings and expressed them appropriately. I was really happy over how I handled them. I received understanding and acceptance. I was so happy I wanted to be close. I expressed my appreciation and gave them a big hug. I even cried tears of happiness as I gave warmth and affection and received theirs. I was on my way to Cloud Nine! It was great and I felt the effect on me for hours!"

Receptor: "I noticed they were upset and angry. I stopped what I was doing, listened, understood and accepted their feelings. I didn't take their anger personally. I did become a little angry but I could accept that. I looked forward to the reward of their being close and when they gave me that big hug, it make it all worthwhile! I even cried a few tears of happiness myself! I was on my way to Cloud Nine also. It was great and that feelings lasted for hours!"

Compare the above scenario with this one:

Scenario 2: "The Sadness and Anger of Rejection"

Expressor: " "I was upset and angry. I accepted my feelings and expressed them appropriately. I was really happy over how I handled them. I received understanding and acceptance. I was so happy I wanted to be close. I expressed my appreciation but just couldn't bring myself to give them a hug or even hold their hand. It was like I was caught between a hard place and a rock. I wanted to be close but I was afraid of their rejection. Soon I found myself angry all over again. I left frustrated and disappointed. It was definitely a bad scene! I really felt lousy."

Receptor: "I noticed they were upset and angry. I stopped what I was doing, listened, understood and accepted their feelings. I didn't take their anger personally. I did become a little angry but I could accept that. I looked forward to the reward of their being close but when they didn't follow through, I felt sad and a little angry. I thought, "With a friend like that, who needs enemies"? I became aware of my challenge to handle my feelings appropriately. I didn't want to push them into something they weren't ready for so I just reminded myself not to take it personally. It sure could have been great. Maybe next time!"

Only Two Options

After you have recognized, accepted, expressed your feelings, and perceived understanding and acceptance, you have only two options:

Go for affection, or

Avoid affection.

If you choose to go for affection, happiness is on top and you will immediately go to Step 6 Rejection/Acceptance of Affection from Within and Without. Notice that your happiness isn't fully experienced until Step 6 has been successfully completed with acceptance of affection from both within and without.

If you choose to avoid affection, anger is on top and you return immediately to the Starting Point or to Step 1 to retry. You may insist that fear of rejection is on top but remember, those we are fearful of we are angry toward! Also remember, your greatest fear is what in the world to do with your anger!

A Personal Experience

I'll never forget the experience that convinced me of the unique power of affection, or relaxed, warm touch. Back in the 1960's, I was working in a private psychiatric clinic under the supervision of three psychiatrists who were guiding me toward obtaining the California License for Marriage, Family and Child Counseling. One of my clients had been hospitalized for surgery and I felt impressed to have a visit and my colleagues agreed. As I walked down the hall to my client's room, the head nurse stopped me and asked who I was and where I was going. I told her and she replied that my client had survived the operation but was dying and they didn't know why nor how to help. When I entered the room, I extended my hand for the usual handshake and my client grasped my hand ... and didn't let go. I just put my other hand on top and not really knowing what to say, said nothing ... just continued the warm, firm hand clasp. After about a minute and a half, I began to get dizzy and feel faint and finally, on the verge of passing out, I said, "I've got to go now ... I've given you all I can". My client replied, "Yes, I know!" I turned and left quickly and hurried down the hall to the stairs and went down to the lawn outside, where I laid down. It took about 20 minutes for me to regain enough strength to drive back to the clinic.

I reported the incident to my colleagues who suggested a followup visit the next day. As I walked back down the hallway, the same head nurse again stopped me and demanded to know what I had done to my client the day before. I told her exactly what happened. She smiled and told me that after I left, my client had stopped dying and started living and would do just fine now. We talked a little about the power of affection.

Next: Helping Others Move Toward Affection