THE STEPS TO STRESS REDUCTION
Through Honesty in Communication

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I. Steps to Stress Reduction: Graphic

II. Steps to Stress Reduction: Text

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III. Definition of Terms

IV. Exercises to Increase Awareness

 

Chapter 41. What To Do If the Rejection Comes From Within

 

You may recall that affection is a basic human need and one we never really outgrow, but that a person's perception of affection may have become warped during their growing up years. They may have experienced deprivation of affection, or smothering affection, or sexual affection. The end result of these distortions of affection is fear, sadness and anger and usually these feelings remain unresolved and thus influence relationships later on in life.

Learning to accept your need, desire and enjoyment of affection begins with believing affection to be totally normal and natural. When you make the move toward affection, whether it be a simple handshake, hand or arm on the shoulder, or hug, be thinking accepting thoughts about affection: "Affection is great. Affection is going to feel great. Affection will complete my happiness ..." Then as you shake hands or hug, be thinking, "Affection feels so good. Affection is so neat. Affection is healing. I'm so happy when I can be close ..."

If you still find yourself rejecting your need, desire and enjoyment of affection, it's time to become aware of your anger toward your Primarys for their deprivation, smothering or sexual affection because this unresolved anger is interfering with your present ability to handle affection appropriately. See your anger as a response to your Primary's anger as expressed through deprivation, smothering or sexual affection. Avoid approving of the way in which the anger is expressed but accept both your anger and theirs. Finally, be forgiving! They did the best they could with the awareness they had!

One last suggestion: share your difficulty in accepting your need, desire and enjoyment of affection to your Receptor. Often this sharing will help you to work right though your rejection of affection especially when your Receptor is understanding and accepting of your feelings. Sometimes this sharing will prompt your Receptor to give just the encouragement you need to successfully accept the affection and go on to Step 7.

 

What To Do If the Rejection Comes From Without

 

If you accept your desire for affection and enjoy it, but your Receptor rejects your affection and also their desire for it and is threatened by it, either

A. Your happiness will be on top, your anger over their inability to accept your affection we be handled appropriately and you will continue on to Step 7 regardless of their response, or

B. Your fear and anger will be in control, you will perceive yourself as being rejected, you will take that rejection personally and you will return to Step 1 and Retry, or default to the Starting Point.

Note that the extent to which you are able to accept your feelings toward your Receptor for their rejection of your being close will determine whether or not you will be able to continue on to Step 7 or return to Step 1, or default to the Starting Point. If you are able to accept your happiness over being close and your anger over the perceived rejection, you will go right on to Step 7. But, if you are unable to accept your anger over the perceived rejection, it will overshadow the happiness and you will either return to Step 1 or default to the Starting Point.

When rejection comes from without, be certain to accept your feelings of anger from within!

Total acceptance of yourself and your feelings will render the rejection harmless. You will simply see your Receptor as having a problem that you need not assume responsibility for. You will see yourself as being in control and having handled your feelings appropriately. Your happiness over your mature and responsible reaction will be great and you'll continue on to Step 7 without delay. You may be aware of your anger over your Receptor's inability to receive and give affection but you'll be able to relate their behavior to your Primarys and "take them off the hook". Your anger level may even be high but you'll remain in control and you'll need not reject in return.

Enjoy your happiness! You deserve it! Welcome to your new level of maturity. It's fun to be there isn't it?

 

Next: How to Help Others Accept Affection

 

Stress Reduction Through Honesty in Communication by John Twelker, Copyright 1986, John Twelker Enterprises, Inc.