Chapter 5. First Barrier: Recognition Acceptance

The first step in honest communication of feelings is to recognize how you feel. Sounds simple enough! Just recognize how you feel! Angry? Happy? Sad? Afraid? Strange how easy it seems now but when the time comes to do it, somehow you just can't get in touch with your feelings. If that's the case, you're up against the Recognition/Acceptance Barrier!

Ironical isn't it? Just when you've decided to do something constructive about some of the stress symptoms in your life, you run headlong into a barrier and find yourself back at the Starting Point still stressed out! After learning that the greatest stress is best relieved by honesty in communication at the feeling level, you find yourself without feelings to express. After becoming aware that inappropriate symptoms just add to your stress levels because the original stress of unexpressed, unresolved feelings is multiplied by the stress of dealing inappropriately with it, you commit yourself to resolve and express those feelings but find yourself out of touch with them. Is it any wonder you may have just wanted to give up, stop the world and get off?

The reason why the Recognition Barrier exists is because of your inability to accept one or more of your feelings. It's very difficult to recognize that which you cannot accept!

We know there are four basic feeling states: mad, glad, sad and afraid. We know that while growing up, for most of us it was right to be happy, wrong to be angry, and sad and afraid were feelings to "get over". Add to this some difficulties in the affection and sexual areas and it's easy to see why we all have hang ups.

Our hang ups exist because of our inability to accept ourselves the way we were created; that is, as having emotions, need for affection and sexual feelings, and our inability to express ourselves appropriately, that is, in a mature and responsible way!

Happy feelings are probably the easiest to recognize, accept and express. We smile, we laugh, we feel happy toward ourselves and others. We feel at ease and at peace. There's a bounce in our step and smile in our voice! During our childhood, it was usually O. K. to be happy although sometimes we may have been told to "quiet down!" or "settle down!"

Sad feelings denoting loss and separation from something or someone close to us are also usually easy to recognize but we may have some difficulty accepting and expressing them. We feel like crying or we do cry. We get a lump in the throat and we feel pressure behind the eyes. We think we're alone and separated. We feel grieved over the loss. We were fortunate if during childhood, our sadness was responded to with understanding. Seldom though were we taught that anger accompanied sadness! That is, while we feel sad over the loss and separation of a loved one or loved object, we feel anger toward the one we perceive as responsible for it.

Fearful feelings too are usually easily recognized but again we may have some difficulty accepting and expressing them. The adrenalin starts to flow and we prepare for fight or flight unless the fear is powerful enough to render us paralyzed and incapable of activity. We were fortunate, if during childhood, our fears were responded to appropriately. Seldom though were we taught that anger accompanied fear. That is, while we feel afraid of a threat, we feel angry toward the one we perceive as responsible for it. Also, there may have been little understanding of our fears ("There's nothing to be afraid of") or our fears may have been positively reinforced ("There's everything to be afraid of").

Angry feelings! They're something else! They're so elusive especially when we've learned at an early age that happy is right and anger is wrong or even sinful or evil. When we were angry we were scolded or punished or put on a guilt trip. We may have wondered why our parents could lose their temper but we couldn't. We may have heard our parents deny or redefine anger: "I'm not angry, just hurt!" or "I'm not angry, jut a little upset!" or "I'm not angry. I've just got a headache". We may have learned that anger was temper but anything short of temper was disappointment or unhappiness. We probably heard our Primary's (Dad, Mom, Brother, Sister, etc) blaming their anger on us with "You make me sick and tired!" or "You give me a headache!" or "You're driving me crazy!" The end result is that we often have real difficulty in recognizing, accepting and expressing anger!

It's Nobody's Fault

Our parents did the absolute best they could with the awareness they had. Our grandparents did the absolute best they could with the awareness they had. Everyone down the line did the absolute best they could with the awareness they had. It's too bad they all didn't have more awareness! It's too bad we don't have more awareness! But the fact is that if we had been in our parents shoes, and grew up in their home, with their parents and siblings, we would have done just about the same as they did. Thus,

The words "blame" and "fault" do not exist in the language of honesty!

It would have been a wonderful thing if everyone had been taught by their parents that emotions, need for affection and sexual feelings are all necessary and a natural part of our human nature and thus O. K. If we'd been this fortunate we would be able to accept ourselves as we are and value our challenge of expressing these human attributes in the right way. We'd not find ourselves up against the Recognition/Acceptance Barrier!

At this point, the question may be asked, "If I have never felt that my anger was accepted, how can I accept it now, even enough to recognize it?" The answer is, "With great difficulty!" This is the reason most people go through life handling their anger inappropriately and not even being aware of it. But, you are unique! You're reading these web pages and you want to make changes! Keep reading!