Chapter 55. Questions to Increase Awareness: Expression of Feelings

To help in the expression of your feelings the right way, ask yourself questions like these:

Was I ever taught how to express feelings the right way? If not, how can I know then how to do it? The answer is found in the next question: How would I like to have feelings expressed toward me?

 

Wouldn't I like the Expressor to first assure me of their love or appreciation?

Then, wouldn't I like the Expressor to assume responsibility for their own feelings and not blame me for how they feel?

Then, wouldn't I like the Expressor to "take me off the hook" by relating what I did or said to their Primary Feeling Object, or if I'm Primary to them, to let me know they think I did the best I could with the awareness I had?

Then, wouldn't I like the Expressor to commit their feelings as to what they would like, that is, if I could only understand and accept their feelings rather than demanding me to change so they could be happy?

Then, wouldn't I like the Expressor to reassure me of their love or appreciation?

Finally, wouldn't I like the Expressor to be aware of my response so that if I understood and accepted their feelings, they would be happy and desire affection?

Or, if I rejected their feelings, wouldn't I like them to start all over again and express their feelings about my rejection the right way or be accepting of my feelings?

Wouldn't I simply like to have the Expressor practice the Golden Rule and isn't that what I would like to do also?

And when it comes to accepting feelings, wouldn't I like the Receptor to be understanding and accepting by very simply saying, "I understand" or "I accept your feelings" or "If I were in your shoes, I'd feel the same way" or "Thank you for sharing your feelings. I accept them!"?

Finally, wouldn't I like the Receptor to show me by his body language that they really understand and accept by looking me straight in the eyes and having a sincere look on their face and being relaxed and open?

Wouldn't I simply like to have the Receptor practice the Golden Rule and isn't that what I would like to do also?

By answering questions like these just as honestly as you can, it should be easier to express your feelings the right way and to accept feelings from others. However, sometimes expressing and accepting feelings seems so difficult if not impossible. What then?

To help in overcoming the fear of expressing your feelings and accepting feelings from others, ask yourself questions like these:

Doesn't feel really good to choose to handle my feelings the right way: to express my anger appropriately and to laugh when I'm happy and cry when I'm sad and to share my fear?

Doesn't it feel really good to have honest affection and to be able to give a good, firm, warm handshake or a warm, relaxed hug?

Doesn't it really feel good to express my sexual feelings with my spouse and in ways that do not increase stress levels and that are responsible and mature?

And doesn't it feel really good to empathize with others: to be understanding and accepting of their anger, and to share in their happiness, and their sadness, and their fear?

Do I really enjoy denying my feelings, bottling them up, stuffing them and playing it cool?

Do I really enjoy being so intellectual and defending and justifying myself all the time? Haven't I really had enough of excuse making and rationalizing?

Do I really enjoy the pleasure of pain and the carrying around of all the hurt and heartache and the stress of all my unresolved and unexpressed feelings?

Wouldn't it feel really great to learn to recognize my feelings, and accept them, and express them the right way so I can enjoy meaningful and rewarding relationships with the family and friends?

What's the worst thing that could happen if I did express my feelings honestly? Lose a friend? With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Really, what do I have to fear if I were to express my feelings the right way? Rejection? So what? Since when is my happiness dependent on another person's acceptance? (Just because it always has been, is that any reason to let it continue? This is a hard lesson to learn!!!)

Doesn't my happiness grow as I learn to accept myself and my own feelings and express my feelings the right way and in turn, accept the feelings of others? Why then do I delay?

What do I lose by accepting the feelings of others rather than arguing or justifying or trying to come out on top? Is that really such a great loss?

By answering questions like these just as honestly as you can, it should be easier to overcome the fear of expressing your feelings and to go ahead and express them the right way and to express your acceptance of the feelings of others! Next time, just take a deep breath and do it!

The next step is to be aware of the response to your expression of feelings or to expression of acceptance of feelings. There are only two possible responses:

If the response is rejection and you find it difficult to choose Stress Option A or B, you can help yourself by asking questions like these:

How do I feel about rejection of my feelings when I try so hard to express them the right way.

Who does the Receptor remind me of when they reject my feelings?

Am I so angry toward Receptor right now that I choose Stress Option C or D knowing the results will be to my disadvantage?

Can I be angry and still accept feelings or go ahead and express them the right way? (Answer: of course I can!)

If the response is acceptance, you will experience extreme happiness with the awareness of the desire to be close and exchange affection. Often however, the affection barrier is difficult to break through.

 

Next: Questions to Increase Awareness: Affection

 

Stress Reduction Through Honesty in Communication by John Twelker Copyright 1986, John Twelker Enterprises, Inc.