Chapter 59. Answers to Stress Option A/B Exercise: Expressing Feelings

Instructions

First, compare your answers with those suggested here and correct any you might have missed.

Then, underline or yellow highlight every statement on your exercise Sheets that has a suggested answer of "R".

Then, when under stress, try to avoid using statements you have marked with "W". Instead, chose one of those marked "R" and you have just underlined or yellow highlighted. (Incidentally, a good way to tell when you're under stress is if you find yourself using statements with a suggested answer of "W"!

"R" = STRESS OPTION A: EXPRESS FEELINGS THE RIGHT WAY

"W" = STRESS OPTION B: EXPRESS FEELINGS THE WRONG WAY

W "Why can't you understand what I'm trying to say?"

You've asked a valid question but any possible answer would be of little or no value, thus your question is simply a substitute for expressing angry feelings the right way.

W "I'm sick and tired of you and everything you do."

In this statement you attack the person instead of the action and reveal your inability to handle your anger in more appropriate ways than getting "sick and tired".

R "It's not your fault but I'm angry."

Very good! You assume responsibility for your feelings and state them as they are.

W "You give me a headache!"

In this dishonest expression of your anger, you blame the other person for your headache instead of assuming responsibility for it yourself. Remember, no one can give you a headache without your permission!

R "I love you but I've got a problem. I'm angry."

Excellent! You assure of love, assume responsibility for your difficulty and state your feelings as they are.

W "I'm so mad you you. Why do you always do that?"

A dishonest expression of anger in which you verbally attack the other person rather than their behavior and then ask them the reason when you already know the answer: they're probably angry with YOU!

R "I'm not angry toward you, just what you did."

This is a tricky one! At first it might seem like you're denying your anger but in reality you cannot be angry toward another human being, simply with what they do or say or don't do or don't say. Thus, you are honesty expressing your anger and would follow this by taking the other person "off the hook". Good job!

W "You're just like my Dad. You'll never learn."

Although you make an attempt to relate who the Receptor reminds you of emotionally to one of your Primary Feeling Objects, you nevertheless are verbally attacking them and then attaching a limiting expectation. Very insulting.

W "I hate you when you do things like that."

Tricky! You appear to be expressing your anger toward the act rather than the person, but really, you aren't at all and are simply attacking the person with a hateful thought.

W "You give me a pain in the neck!"

In this statement you put the blame for your pain on the other person and thus you are not being honest. There's no way someone else can give you an emotional or physical pain without your permission!

R "I love you. I want us both to be happy but I have some feelings right now ..."

Neat! You assure of love, commit feelings as to what you would like, and express your anger.

W "It's all your fault this happened!"

A dishonest expression of anger in which you blame the other person for a situation instead of more honestly assuming part responsibility. Remember, the words "fault" and "blame" do not exist in the vocabulary of honesty!

W "What's your problem anyway?"

Your response is totally inappropriate. You fail to commit feelings and you put the other person on the spot, accusing them of having a problem which takes the attention off yourself. You can be more honest than that!

W "I'm not angry, just disappointed in you."

Disappointment is a form of anger which to you might be less threatening and more socially acceptable; just remember though, it is in reality, anger.

R "Dad, it's not your fault, you did the best you could!"

Since you can't relate feelings to a Primary when the anger object is already a Primary, you must take Dad "off the hook" another way and it's done by assuring Dad that he did the best job he could with the awareness he had.Yo

W "That was a stupid thing to do. Can't you ever learn?"

In this statement you verbally attack with a degrading label and then reinforce not learning. Your own anger level is obviously too high to be accepting of feelings or expressing of feelings the right way.

W "I'm sharing my feelings so you will change."

You share feelings primarily to feel better and relieve the stress, not to bring about a change in another person. Of course, change can be hoped for but the best way to bring about change is to handle your feelings in mature and responsible ways which will help free the Receptor to make their own changes. That's true love in action and love is a powerful force!

W "Why do you confuse me? I just don't understand you!"

Your question is a rejection of feelings and your statement is an inappropriate expression of feelings. The reason a person tries to confuse another is because it's their way to express their anger. Your privilege is to accept that anger, regardless of whether or not they expressed it the right way! Two wrongs don't make a right.

W "How many times have I told you not to do that!"

Probably a thousand or two! It's never worked, and probably never will.

W "You make me angry when you do things like that."

You appear to direct your anger toward the behavior, but your words "You make ..." should be replaced with "I become angry when ...". Without this change, you are blaming the other person for your anger.

R "I'm happy with you as a person, just angry over what you did (or said)."

Excellent! You assume responsibility for your feelings and describe the behavior that is upsetting you. Hopefully you will follow this with a statement that takes the Receptor "off the hook".

R "I become angry when you defend yourself."

Good job! You assume responsibility for your feelings and describe the behavior that is upsetting you. Hopefully you will follow this with a statement that takes the Receptor "off the hook".

W "You make me angry when you justify what you did."

Although this statement may appear similar to the preceding, it can be faulted by the "You make ..." phrase which makes the other person responsible for and directly in control of your feelings.

W "I'm not mad; I'm leaving just because I need space."

Careful now! You're revealing in your denial the inability to accept both your anger and theirs.

W "You're driving me crazy!"

Maybe the more accurate statement would be, "I'm allowing you to drive me crazy!" It would appear that we have two people who have never learned at any age to handle their anger in ways that doesn't destroy themselves or others.

W "Forget the diet. Let's stop at the ice cream place!"

When under stress, you choose to try to cover the hurt and pain with food rather than an honest expression of feelings. The food provides a temporary solution to your stress but one which you can't feel very good about. Wouldn't you really rather express your feelings the right way?

W "I know the house is a mess. I just haven't had time!'

"Excuses, excuses, excuses!" is the old saying and it's truer now than it ever has been. the fact of the matter is, you do what's important to you and obviously, what's not important is handling your feelings in mature and responsible ways. Thus, keeping the house a mess is often simply an expression of your anger.

W "Dad, I get bad grades because the teachers are unfair."

Wonder who the unfair teachers remind you of? It would be good if you would express your anger toward Dad the right way instead of making your teacher's the scapegoat.

W "You don't know what you're talking about."

This statement reveals your total inability to express feelings the right way.

W "I've told you a 1000 times, don't do that!"

Your statement is not a commitment of your feelings at all but rather a direct command. If it hasn't worked before, chances are it won't work in the future.

W "You @#%&*!, you're a &@%#$!"

You're expressing anger alright but your anger is totally out of control and has turned to temper or rage and thus is totally inappropriate. cussing and profanity are extremely immature behaviors and the Receptor would be wise to choose Stress Option B with Exit.

W "You're an idiot! I'm just kidding!"

Proverbs 26:18: "As a madman who shooting firebrands or deadly arrows, is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I was only joking?" Your statement verbally attacks and then attempts to pass it off as a joke. Very dishonest.

W "Not tonight. I've got a headache."

Your statement is a very common but inappropriate expression of anger which does nobody any good and which reveals your inability to recognize, accept and express your feelings appropriately. The result is pain which in turn becomes an excuse to avoid social or sexual interaction. If you were to choose Stress Option A and B, you might find your headache disappearing.

Next: Stress Option Exercise C/D: Accepting Feelings

Stress Reduction Through Honesty in Communication by John Twelker Copyright 1986, John Twelker Enterprises, Inc.