Chapter 62. Questions to Increase Awareness: Overcoming Sexual Irresponsibility

Let's define SEXUAL IRRESPONSIBILITY.

SEXUAL: relating to or associated with sex or the sexes.

IRRESPONSIBILITY: not responsible; as, not answerable to higher authority.

Now let's combine these definitions within the context of what we've learned about stress.

SEXUAL IRRESPONSIBILITY: sexual behavior among individuals not answerable to higher authority, with resultant increases in stress levels, which in turn can lead to Class 3 Stress Symptoms ("seems like fun") and Class 4 Stress Symptoms ("neither fun nor rewarding nor seem like fun but rather painful") including the possibility of debilitating disease and death.

From my point of view, sexual irresponsibility is not a viable lifestyle (viable: living, capable of functioning) when in fact it acts more like a "deathstyle". Neither is sexual irresponsibility "loving" when in fact it can bring unwanted consequences including pregnancy, emotional and physical pain, disease and death. Neither can sexual irresponsibility be justified on the grounds that "everybody does it". Someone said, "Wrong is wrong no matter how many people are doing it; right is right no matter how few people are doing it".

The following exercise can help you get to the root of the anger that can lead to sexual irresponsibility. Begin now to resolve this anger by asking yourself these questions that you've probably never dared ask yourself before. Be honest with your answers. The only person who will ever see your answers will be yourself, unless of course, you choose to share your answers with someone else which is fine. Each time you go through these questions, try to answer more completely and honestly than the time before.

The Next Step

Once you begin getting in touch with your anger, accept it!

Tell yourself, "It's O. K. to be angry. It's alright!"

Then begin expressing your anger in the right way to those close to you including your Primarys. It's important to make peace with them and forgive them before it's too late! Keep telling yourself, "It feels great to be angry and to express it in the right way!"

Be prepared though to have your feelings rejected, which could double the pain of your original anger! Hopefully you be at the point in your growth toward emotional maturity that you'll be able to deal with the rejection in the right way by choosing Stress Option A with Retry or Stress Option C with Exit.

At times it may seem difficult if not almost impossible but stay with it! Human beings are very resistant to change but you can do it! Others have and you can too!

What To Expect

As your anger begins to be resolved, you'll find yourself wanting to develop honest relationships with both men and women where affection can be freely exchanged but without the unresolved anger present to carry the affection into sexual irresponsibility. If you're a man, you can look forward to marrying the sweetheart of your dreams and if you're a woman, you can look forward to marrying the man of your dreams ... where you both can establish a loving, honest relationship where anger is put away before the sun goes down and your sexual relationship will be based on mutual respect and fulfil your mutual procreational and recreational needs and desires.

Questions to Help Overcome Sexual Irresponsibility

How did Dad handle his anger?

My thoughts about it?

My feelings toward Dad then?

My feelings toward Dad now?

How did Mom handle her anger?

My thoughts about it?

My feelings toward Mom then?

My feelings toward Mom now?

How did Dad and Mom resolve conflict between themselves?

Who usually came out on top?

My thoughts about it?

My feelings toward the one who "won"?

My feelings toward the one who "lost"?

What did Dad do that really bugged me?

What did I feel like doing with my anger?

What did I do with my anger?

What did Mom do that really bugged me?

What did I feel like doing with my anger?

What did I do with my anger?

[I'm asking you a lot of questions. Feelings toward me right now?]

Were Dad and Mom affectionate?

My thoughts about the affection or lack of it?

My feelings toward Dad for his part?

My feelings toward Mom for her part?

Did either one use affection to cover their anger?

My thoughts about this if they did?

My feelings toward Dad for his part?

My feelings toward Mom for her part?

Could I get affection from Dad?

Thoughts about it?

Feelings about it?

Could I get affection from Mom?

Thoughts about it?

Feelings about it?

Were either Dad or Mom rejecting or smothering or sexually affectionate?

Thoughts about it?

Feelings toward the rejecting one?

Feelings toward the smothering one?

Feelings toward the sexually affectionate one?

Feelings toward the one who permitted this?

Did I grow up feeling at ease with affection and able to both give and receive affection equally from both men and women?

What was Dad's attitude toward sex?

Thoughts about it?

Feelings about it?

What was Mom's attitude toward sex?

Thoughts about it?

Feelings about it?

What did I do with my anger toward Dad?

What did I feel like doing?

What did I actually do?

What did I do with my anger toward Mom?

What did I feel like doing?

What did I actually do

[I keep asking these questions. Feelings toward me right now?]

What stress symptoms did I have growing up?

Could Dad accept my angry feelings toward him or what he did or said?

Thoughts about it?

Feelings about it?

What did he do to show me he could or couldn't?

Feelings toward Dad right now?

Could Mom accept my angry feelings toward her or what she did or said?

Thoughts about it?

Feelings about it?

What did she do to show me he could or couldn't?

Feelings toward Mom right now

[Can I accept your angry feelings? Feelings toward me right now?]

What did Dad do to Mom that really bugged me?

Thoughts about it?

Feelings toward Dad for what he did?

What did I feel like doing?

How did I handle it?

What did Mom do to Dad that really bugged me?

Thoughts about it?

Feelings toward Mom for what he did?

What did I feel like doing?

How did I handle it?

Was there a role "reversal", that is, was Dad passive and Mom dominant?

My thoughts about passive men?

My feelings toward passive men?

My thoughts about dominant men?

My feelings toward dominant men?

My thoughts about dominant women?

My feelings toward dominant women?

My thoughts about passive women?

My feelings toward passive women?

Did Mom "wear the pants in the family"?

Thoughts about it?

Feelings about it?

Feelings toward Dad for permitting it?

Did Mom "castrate" Dad?

Thoughts about it?

Feelings toward Mom?

Feelings toward Dad for permitting it?

Was Dad a "dictator"?

Thoughts about it?

Feelings toward Dad?

Feelings toward Mom for permitting it?

Did Dad sexually harass Mom?

Thoughts about it?

Feelings toward Dad?

Feelings toward Mom for permitting it?

Would I like:

to marry a woman just like Mom?

to marry a woman just like Dad?

to marry a man just like Mom?

to marry a man just like Dad?

Would I like:

affection from a woman just like Mom?

affection from a woman just like Dad?

affection from a man just like Mom?

affection from a man just like Dad?

 

Questions to Help Overcome Sexual Orientation Challenges

By now you should be more aware of how unaccepted, unresolved feelings can interfere with the development of honest, natural relationships with both men and women. The following questions are specifically for those people whose unaccepted, unresolved feelings have interfered with their natural sexual orientation. Yes, you are reading me correctly! I disagree with those mental health organizations who advocate that sexual orientation is a locked-in genetically determined sexual trait! On the contrary, I think sexual orientation is a product of how a person learns to handle stress and furthermore, what a person learns can be unlearned. Stress Reduction Through Honesty in Communication is one way to do it.

The following questions are for those whose Stress Symptoms are Class 3 - Sexual Irresponsibility in the specific area of Sexual Orientation. I realize many questions may not be applicable but I've chosen to publish just one questionnaire for both men and women. Feel free to answer the questions that apply to you. Remember, you're not doing this for me but for yourself.

One more thing. Every so often I've included a little "reality check" by asking your feelings toward me at that time. If your answers are "happy" all the way through (because you perceive me as trying to help), then I'll suggest that you can be more honest than that!

Would I like:

to have sex with a woman just like Mom?

to have sex with a woman just like Dad?

to have sex with a man just like Mom?

to have sex with a man just like Dad?

In what ways is:

my lover just like Dad

my lover not like Dad?

my lover just like Mom?

my lover not like Mom?

In what ways is:

my lover just like the Dad I wished I had?

my lover just like the Mom I wished I had?

Feelings toward Dad right now?

Feelings toward Mom right now?

[Feelings toward me right now?]

What are my:

thoughts toward males today?

feelings toward males today?

thoughts toward females today?

feelings toward females today?

Who are males to me emotionally, that is, who do they remind me of emotionally?

"Good Dad" or "Bad Dad"?

"Good Mom" or "Bad Mom"?

If I have a lover, who is he or she to me emotionally?

"Good Dad" or "Bad Dad"?

"Good Mom" or "Bad Mom"?

When I am close to my lover, who is he or she to me emotionally?

"Good Dad" or "Bad Dad"?

"Good Mom" or "Bad Mom"?

When I have sex with my lover, who is he or she to me emotionally?

"Good Dad" or "Bad Dad"?

"Good Mom" or "Bad Mom"?

If I am a male:

Am I aware of my need for affection from Dad and am I still looking for a Dad to be close to?

Is it possible I'm looking for "Good Mom" to have sex with but the only "Good Moms" I can find happen to be male?

Is it possible I'm looking for "Bad Dad" to have sex with as an expression of anger toward Dad for his deprivation of affection or rejection of my anger?

Is is possible I'm looking for "Good Dad" to get affection from but my anger toward Dad is driving me to have sex with my "lover" who allows and enjoys my inappropriate expression of anger because of his unresolved anger?

If I am a female:

Am I aware of my need for affection from Mom and am I still looking for a Mom to be close to?

Is it possible I'm looking for "Good Dad" to have sex with but the only "Good Dads" I can find happen to be female?

Is it possible I'm looking for "Bad Mom" to have sex with as an expression of anger toward Mom for her deprivation of affection or rejection of my anger?

Is is possible I'm looking for "Good Mom" to get affection from but my anger toward Mom is driving me to have sex with my "lover" who allows and enjoys my inappropriate expression of anger because of her unresolved anger?

Was I wanted, planned for, loved?

Thoughts about it.

Feelings toward Dad?

Feelings toward Mom?

Did my parents want me to be the opposite sex?

Thoughts about it.

Feelings toward Dad?

Feelings toward Mom?

Is it possible I'd like to exchange my genitals for those of the opposite sex?

Feelings toward my sex?

Who do I blame for my sex being what it is?

Feelings toward whoever I blame?

Is it possible since I can't exchange my genitals that I'd like to exchange who I am emotionally, that is, if I'm a male, to behave like a female, or if I'm a female, to behave like a male?

If that's the case, who am I trying to attract?

Thoughts right now?

Feelings toward Dad right now?

Feelings toward Mom right now?

Feelings toward your friend or lover right now?

[Feelings toward me right now?]

Is it possible my anger toward my parents and what they did that bugged me so much when I was growing up is being expressed in my sexual choices today?

Is it possible I'm depriving the opposite sex of my love and affection out of my anger toward my opposite sex parent?

Which parent do I perceive as really rejecting me?

Feelings toward rejecting parent while growing up?

Feelings toward rejecting parent now?

Is it possible my need for affection from my same sex parent is so great that as I receive affection from my same sex friend, that I'm threatened by that affection and become sexually aroused and then must express my anger sexually?

Is it possible I've found someone with my same stress symptom and we have become each others scapegoat and target of "loving anger"?

Feelings toward Dad right now?

Feelings toward Mom right now?

Feelings toward your lover right now?

Do I really enjoy being my lover's scapegoat for his or her anger toward their Primarys?

Knowing that my chances of remaining healthy are reduced significantly by my sexual irresponsibility, am I really that angry toward myself that I'm willing to risk my health and life for a few moments of sexual pleasure and sexual orgasm?

Can I really think of a better reason to explain my sexual orientation than the reason I've just become aware of now?

Thoughts about my stress symptom right now?

Thoughts about giving up my stress symptom right now?

[Feelings toward me right now?]

[Do you feel I can accept your feelings?]

Stress Reduction Through Honesty in Communication by John Twelker Copyright 1986, John Twelker Enterprises, Inc.