Chapter 8. Recognizing Anger

Let's take a look at some of the things that can occur at the emotional level that arouse feelings of anger.

How do you feel (not, what do you think!) when someone makes you responsible for how they feel? When you were growing up, did your parents ever say "Now don't you wake your Dad! He's tired and you'll make him mad!" or "Don't upset your mother! You'll make her sick!" or "You kids quit arguing. You'll give your mother a headache!"

Please understand that each person must assume responsibility for their own feelings and how they handle their feelings. I can't make you responsible for my feelings and you can't make me responsible for yours. We each might try but it's dishonest.

Honesty demands that we commit our feelings in such a way that we assume total responsibility for how we feel. "It's not your fault. I've got a problem. I'm angry." Remember,

No one can make me angry without my permission, and

No one can make you angry without yours!

How do you feel (not, what do you think!) when someone tries to be angry with you as a person rather than what you do or say or don't do or don't say?

Remember, it's impossible for someone to be angry toward you as a person any more than you can be angry toward them as a person. They can only feel angry toward your behavior that bothers them and you can only feel angry toward their behavior that bothers you.

When you think about it, that's a relief because you no longer need take anything personally! You're free to accept the feelings of others while you love or appreciate them as a person and forgive them for the same kinds of things that you yourself do and say or don't do and don't say!

Actually, you don't even have to understand why its impossible for someone to be angry toward you as a person! Just accept it and believe it and forgive!

Please, read the above three paragraphs ten times a day for the next three weeks until you get these truths firmly in mind!

How do you feel (not, what do you think!) when someone tries to make you a scapegoat for their unresolved feelings toward their Primary's?

Most people are unaware that unresolved and unexpressed anger toward Primarys is still in the "brain's memory banks" waiting to be brought up. It's not your fault that some of the things you do (or say or don't do or don't say) remind others of their Primarys nor is it their fault that some of the things they do (or say or don't do or don't say) remind you of yours. To not take others "off the hook" by assuming full responsibility for your anger is to make them a scapegoat!

How do you feel (not, what do you think!) when someone is upset with you and "intellectualizes", avoids committing feelings, thus hanging onto their anger?

Wouldn't it be far easier for you if they simply expressed their anger in the right way and got it off their chest rather than hold a grudge or be unforgiving?

Wouldn't you really rather they simply tell you about their anger rather than continually show you?

The most loving thing in all the world would be for them to be honest with their anger so they can get on with living! And the most loving thing in all the world for you would be to either express your feelings the right way or be accepting of theirs!

How do you feel (not, what do you think!) when someone expresses their thoughts toward you and denies being angry even though it's obvious they are? Ever heard of someone say, "I'm not mad! I'm just frustrated!' (or "confused" or "hurt" or some other "safer" term) as they clench their teeth, raise their voice, turn red and start to shake?

A person who finds it difficult to express anger when it's obviously present is one who cannot accept their own anger. At that point, it's a privilege to be understanding and accepting of them and their feelings ... and forgiving of them for their unawareness.

How do you feel (not, what do you think!) when someone acts in such a way that you perceive them as rejecting you? Perhaps they ignore you or don't talk much around you or put you into "solitary confinement" by their silence. Or perhaps they don't listen when you talk or are critical of your thoughts or discount your feelings.

How do you feel (not, what do you think!) when someone gives you a weak, ineffectual handshake, avoids looking in your eyes, and then asks "How you doing?"

It's so important that we recognize how we feel and see our feelings for what they are. The answer to each of the preceding questions is obviously "angry" and that anger is alright!

Our challenge is to handle that anger appropriately ... and quickly ... like before the sun goes down!

And one last thought: notice the (not, what do you think!) paranthetical statement after each question How do you feel? I can't begin to count the number of times I've asked that question, How do you feel ? in a counseling situation and received an answer straight from the cortex rather than from the limbic system!

Counselor: "...and how do you feel when that happens?"

Client: "I don't feel they should do that!"

Counselor: "Good thought ... and how do you feel when that happens?"

Client: "I don't feel it's right!"

Counselor: "Good thought ... and how do you feel when that happens?"

Client: "I wish they wouldn't do that!"

Counselor: "Are you aware of feelings right now?"

Client: "I'm not mad ... I just wish they would stop it!"

Counselor: "Be careful of what you deny!"

Client: "You make me mad when you accuse me of being angry when I'm not angry!"

Counselor: "I know and it's O. K. You can be upset with me for doing that! Thank you for your honesty".

 

Next: Recognizing Happiness

 

Stress Reduction Through Honesty in Communication by John Twelker, Copyright 1986, John Twelker Enterprises, Inc.